Napkin, authored by Kelli, illustrated by Tim

“Napkins are an essential part of our daily existence and hence form an inevitable part of the cleaning supplies and hygiene products required at home, office or any other venue. The inevitability of napkins lies in the fact that this is a product which is taken for granted by everyone and is sorely missed when it is not close at hand for being used. There was a time when napkins were made of cloth but gradually as the concept of hygiene, environment and cost took precedence over all other factors, the switch to paper napkins was achieved and now is in vogue throughout the world. The use of paper napkins as eco-friendly hygiene products is the accepted norm nowadays due to the associated advantages of being more hygienic, cost effective and maintenance-free.In order to reiterate its belief in eco-friendly hygiene products and cleaning supplies, wide rang of napkins which can be further classified into different types like cocktail napkins, dinner napkins, luncheon napkins and all-purpose napkins which are suitable for being used on all occasions. There are different varieties under the category of cocktail napkins as well like paper napkins, printed cocktail napkins, wedding napkins and black napkins. All the varieties of cocktail napkins are available in particular sizes and dimensions and can be purchased in numbers depending on the requirements of the buyer. However, these napkins in packets with specific numbers so that the entire packet has to be purchased while buying cleaning supplies.Napkins feature as a part of cleaning supplies in large quantities during parties and banquets since, as their name suggests, they are used by the guests throughout the gathering for serving a number of intentions. Paper cocktail napkins are preferred due to their easy handling, disposable nature, cost effectiveness and variety of colors and textures which can be chosen to suit any occasion. Likewise, printed cocktail napkins can be chosen as per one's requirements and can even be personalized to mark the particular occasion for which they are meant. Wedding napkins, as the name suggests, are used for weddings and can be imprinted to commemorate the day. It is very common to find customized wedding cocktail napkins since a personal touch on the napkin is capable of making the occasion memorable as well as pleasant.Black cocktail napkins are seldom used for all occasions but add a touch of elegance and style when used for specific reasons. Since black is the color of night, these napkins are often used to grace occasions which are held during the night like dinner parties, cocktail parties, receptions and corporate gatherings.”
YESSSS! Thank you SO much, Neej Amb.  Thank you for telling the history, social significance, fashionable trend and function of napkins. They are, as you say, "in vogue throughout the world." Because to me, and clearly you, we understand that napkins have literary relevance. For nearly a year now Tim and I have kept an encyclopedic collection (though not yet organized as such) of bar napkins, café napkins, picnic napkins, movie theater napkins, airport napkins and a one-off here and there of a pamphlet, coaster, business card or mannequin baby doll. The napkins include things like:

  • movie plot linesA zombie romance: Zombie girlfriend keeps her boyfriend’s brain in a jar and licks it once a day for the rest of her zombie life 
  • business ideasSquattin’ Gypsies: a human services table at a food cart pod that consults customers’ personalities via strategic questions and assessments to determine exactly which, of the food carts in the pod they should get the most enjoyment from eating. The service is free and individual food carts contribute a portion of their revenue for the marketing.
  • Aspirations for advancements in biological technologyInfinite Skin: pulldown skin on bicep so that the skin can actually pull out, like paper still on the roll, allowing the space for infinite tattoos. So you’d never run out of space and you could have anything you want tattooed at any time and wouldn’t run the scrutiny of people wondering why you’d have Marcell the Shell and his dustball pet inked permanently into your flesh. 
  • efficiency words/word re-naming (used for efficiency and, ultimately, marketing) - Lamazing: (Lamaze + Amazing) like CrossFit for birthing classes. Birth Ball squat thrusts, benchpressing 100lb baby dolls, stirrup sit-ups, etc. Hard core, baby!
  • Social Events - History Potluck: Each attendee will bring a dish of some international acclaim complete with complex backstory and examples of its place in history. Personal heartwarming stories of how this profound food has affected your life are welcome. And encouraged.
A friend tried to remove one of our napkins once. It was a wedding napkin. And it was peacock blue. Tried to take it from our grasp, with good intentions to gift it to the newlyweds, and Tim and I thrust out our chests, planted our legs in fight mode and bellowed "NO! You can't have it!" and then slunk back into our chairs with the napkin safe in our slimy grasp while uttering "my precious, my precious ...". Sorry for the bitemarks and fingernail scratches Kevin, we know you meant well.

So the next time you see a napkin and think to yourself "this would do quite nicely to clean up this here latte spill on my trousers", remember that that absorbent and hygienic piece of cellulose holds in its fibers the opportunity for literary awesometicity and cultural awakening. Statues will be made of it. 
Tim made this while at work once. Emailed it me. And I fell in love.
oh look. a statue was made of it.
Certificates shall be issued to only those most deserving, and Tim and I will be well ahead of the curve and will open the first-ever National Napkin Library. It will have a red velvet couch with a dark oak oval coffee table, and on the coffee table, preserved in glass and illuminated softly by fireflies, will be a an original Amnesia napkin with original craft, penned on a sunny summer day. Thus the collection began and history was birthed, in the most Lamazing way.


Unknown said…
I did end up with a napkin with writing on it, and I assumed it was your doing. No?

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