what then?

I can't not write because I had a bad day.
I can't not write because I've been crying.
I can't not write because my faith is shaken, is cracked, and is looking for a place to rebuild.

I committed myself to write everyday.
I committed myself to what I believe in.
I committed myself to being me, to being a better me, to becoming the best me.

They say to look within. To see what's going on around.

But if I wrote about what I really saw ... what then?

I can't not write because I'm holding back.
I can't not write because of fear.
I can't not write because I'm threatened, my family is at risk, and I'm nervous for the future.

I committed myself to have children.
I committed myself to love them with my whole self.
I committed myself to protect them, to grow with them, to always answer their questions.

Even if it's just to say "I don't know. But I'm really glad you asked."

But if I told them they weren't asking the right way ... what then?

I can't not write because no one will read it.
I can't not write because I'm scared someone will.
I can't not write because I don't have the tools, nor the focus, nor the inclination for humor.

I committed myself to write everyday.
I committed myself to what I believe in.
I committed myself to being me, to being honestly ... just ... me.

Even if it's only because that's who my children know of me.

But being genuine comes at a price ... what then?

Comments

janetta said…
There are things I don't say. If someone asked, though, I would answer, truthfully, because that is who I am. Who I choose to be. Honest. I am also an open book.

Love you.
Unknown said…
I'm behind (stupid job), but I'm reading. And I admire what you're doing. Soldier on, Martinelli!

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