Reason 1 why I'm uncool.

I am so not cool. Cool people are unaffected by the pettier of human emotions. Like jealousy. Cool people roll with it and comfortably know their place in this world and thrive in it. They strive for more, for enrichment, for experience. But they don't strive for the lives of others. Or blame others for their own circumstance. I seem to do this. And I don't know how to shake it. Ignoring it doesn't work. It's like ignoring laundry. Which I've tried. And it just means that after I finish writing this I've got shit to do.

I'm a co-parent. A divorced mamacita. And so sometimes I'm galavanting in the impassable wilderness with just my kids and my big dopey dog. And sometimes I'm dressing up as a fancy 70's movie star with my purse dog named Jane Fondue and a handsome general on my arm. Sometimes the two worlds meet. But not often. And in those times of world separation I can feel my own uncoolness reverberating off my stomach lining.

I can't go watch the game today. I'm painting with my kids.

Or. I can't paint with my kids today. So I'll go watch the game.

And to those who get to go watch the game, and who don't have the other obligations, I feel left out. Marginalized. Jealous of the experiences they're sharing in my absence. I feel threatened and squeezed out by my own circumstance. The bizarre thing is to those who get to light fireworks with my kids on the 4th of July, I feel happy for them. Because I'll go distract myself anyway with an option that's pretty dang nice, too. And I know that the most important thing is that the kids are making fabulous memories and burning their fingertips on those godawful sooty snakes. Even if I'm not there.

So why can't I be as happy for the people watching the game, or the movie, or on the bike ride that I couldn't be there for? Why am I wracked by jealousy? Why can't I be comfortable in the moments I'm experiencing, enjoying my own space and those who are with me, instead of dwelling in the space I'm not in and the moments I'm not having? It's an open-ended question until someone who's been in the same spot comes along, reads this, and gives me that magic solution. Assuming there is one. Please say there is one. Because I really want to be as cool as this guy. But with better hair.


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