Martinelli. And what this blog means now. Ish.

There are things you don't expect about being divorced.

I mean, there are things that I didn't expect about being divorced. Doubtless there are common themes and surprise twists and plots and hardships and benefits, but so far, I haven't found us divorced people to be a very vocal group. At least not about all of that.

And when we do talk about it, it's generally kept pretty secret. Closed off. Behind thick sturdy walls. Whispered.

It's not like I expected to be divorced and immediately ushered through some grand and gilded gates to a new world that would look very much like the one I came from, just with one less person under the roof. So, without expecting that, I didn't have to be disappointed about it when it was very obvious very fast that my world would look quite different from the one I came from. And it would come with a lot more questions.

I didn't expect to have a support system for the many questions and reality shift that would come with divorce. I didn't expect it, cause I didn't know it was needed. But it's not really there.

It is needed. But even if there was a support system, our circumstances would vary so widely, that, well I don't know, would that still be supportive and useful?

I didn't expect to feel so isolated. Stronger, but more vulnerable. Sexier, but aging rapidly. More prone to tears. To want nothing more than to make the various forms of guilt go away. To resume a lighter level of happiness. If happiness used to be like a whipped cream topping, now it's like a dense cream frosting. Just as rich, but better tasting in smaller amounts, and possibly, requiring a hefty dose of Mylanta.

I didn't expect to miss my kids even when they're right in front of me. But to also exhale in relief when I drop them off to their dad. And immediately want to cut the guilt about THAT right out of my heart. By any means necessary.

I didn't expect, or set out, to find an incredible human being that I'd fall madly, stupidly in love with within such a short time from the end of my marriage. And then in that, to discover that there are a whole new set of puzzles that I, naturally, didn't expect.

I didn't expect to engage in a life more whole and yet more fragmented. To yearn for empathy, for that shared perspective, but to actually come up, time and again, empty handed. Does no one really get this? Half the US population is divorced and yet, really? I suppose if you can't understand what it means to be a parent until you actually are one, then I shouldn't expect you to understand what it means to be where I am right now unless you're in the same spot. I shouldn't expect it. But I want it.

So in this, this realm of the unexpected, this reality of being divorced with shared custody; of having an ex-husband who deserves and has all my respect and friendship; of having children who are beyond brilliant but may end up at school with inappropriate shoes cause that's what they had at whichever house they came from that morning; of having a new relationship that is the best -- and hardest -- of my life; of the drastic financial hardship that divorce (and foreclosure and godknowswhat) brings; and of the CONSTANT feeling that I'm the last one to be told the punchline of a commonly shared joke -- and fuck I don't even think it's funny anymore ... in all this, well, that's what I'll be writing about on this blog going forward.

Cause we can't expect what we don't even know exists. And believe me, this shit is real yo.

Lastly, I didn't expect to have to answer the very most basic of personal questions: What is your name?

My name is Kelli. Ta da! But if you need to know more than that, well, shoot, I can give you my ex-'s last name. He can vouch for me. I can give you my dad's last name, though I never really thought it suited me. Or I can give you this name that I pulled out of a hat for myself on the simplest of reasons: cause it rhymes. And possibly, could have it's own tag line. Kelli Martinelli, cause I sparkle and fizz. And sometimes re-branding is enough to give new life to a worn out product.


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