Grief

The grief today was nearly insurmountable for me. And I kept thinking what can I hear right now that will lighten the tension? or what can I say that will help, in any small way at all? and I kept coming up with nothing. No answer. I didn't know what I wanted to hear. I didn't know what I wanted to say. As the grief still sits with me, deep in my belly and pulls heavily on my eyes and fills me so full with lead that I am heavy and weighted-down, I know that I was asking the wrong question. What can I do? was the question. I didn't notice that I was looking for an answer to a different question at first. It wasn't until I stood next to my bed with my kid's stocking stuffers splayed out in front of me, reflecting on the last 2 hours. How I didn't feel as helpless as earlier in the day. I wasn't any happier than earlier, but life didn't seem as bleak. Because instead of trying to hear or say, I just went and did. I bought some new pajamas for the kids. I made Christmas cards with girlfriends. I threw the ball for an extra long time for Dexter. I needed to take some of my love and my life and pour it into the giant hole that was blasted into this world today, to help to fill it back up.

Little by little if we all take a fraction more of ourselves, and then a fraction more of even that, and put it towards simply enjoying the other people in our lives (even those we've never met), I believe the love between humans can grow stronger. We all just have to work a little harder at loving the things and people we love EVEN MORE. With MORE OF OUR HEARTS. Cause some people's hearts just aren't up for the job. And I just KNOW that in some crazy way this tricky universe will take that, feed on it, be nourished and we will one day no longer ever EVER hear of someone harming a child.


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