I’ll Have the Sampler, Please
~ Abbreviated Tales of My Own Mediocrity ~
Here is an incomplete list of projects I have started and
abandoned (in no particular order):
·
Mt. Hood – I tried to summit a few years ago,
but just a few hundred vertical feet from the top we turned around due to warm
and avalanchey conditions. It was good to have not died. But I haven’t tried
again. And the mountain is like, right here.
·
My best friend – In the 5th grade I
became friends with the new girl in class. I always had to be the first to make
friends with the new kids. This time, instead of being friends with both the
new kid as well as my very best friend, I wrote my best friend a break up letter
explaining how I needed to be the new kid’s best friend instead now, because she
didn’t know anyone in town. This was the
start of a life filled with wonderful friends, but never with one lifetime best
friendship. Because I love starting things ... including relationships.
·
Ballet and Piano – Somewhere around 12 self-absorbed
years old I decided I should casually abandon my parents’ investment in my
artistic education. My mom ironed a lot of shirts in order for me to take piano
lessons that I quit once I didn’t want to ride my bike the mile to get to lessons anymore. And I stopped
ballet as soon as the instructor – whom I adored – told me I didn’t have the
arch support to ever EVER (!!!) go up on point. NO TOE SHOES?! I was heartbroken.
So I bowed out.
·
Español - Soy casi fluido en español.
"Casi" en este caso sólo significa "no fluido". And yes, I
double checked that sentence in translator just now.
·
Ukulele – The inclination to make music has
always been with me. I love to sing, though I am a perfectly mediocre low alto
who couldn’t hit the high notes even if they threw the first punch. So a couple
of years ago I bought a ukulele and taught myself to play, just enough to be
able to accompany my limited range crooning. If anyone wants to join, that’d be awesome. I
hope you’re cool with C, G, and D.
·
Photography – Everyone’s a photographer. And for
some reason when everyone is a thing, I’m less inclined to be or try or do that
thing. But I do love capturing a moment, someone’s expression, their eyes,
little fingers touching squishy things, back lighting and bokeh, the infinite
tiny world on a forest floor, the texture of flesh … I love photography as story, not so much as landscapes and eyeball candy. But in a photography world that's driven by Insta-likes, I don't know if I have a place in it.
·
NeighborsPDX – A grand vision to connect the
haves with the needs here in Portland. Like Craigslist or Rooster, but less
scary (Craigslist) and less self-glorifying (Rooster). Worked on it for MONTHS,
a friend helping on digital. Now I just pay for the domain registration every
year for a never-launched project that may or may not have been helpful for our community. I think there’s still a Facebook page you
can go unfollow …
·
Honestly Ever After – It was going to be a
story. No, a podcast! No, a website! No, a live stage series! No … ALL OF THE
THINGS. And then I took feedback from someone I respect way too hard and was derailed. And it was only me as
the engine for the project. And I stalled. After some time I kicked in to first
gear again by sorta launching a blog. And there it idles … taking up internet space.
·
My Garden – Every year.
·
Blogs and Journals – I’ve been writing a journal
to my kids since they were babies. Most entries don't have the year on them, and I go MONTHS between entries. I haven't filled up one journal since I was 22, but I've started about 17 new ones. People are going to be so confused when I'm dead.
·
#HandsOn40 – To celebrate my 40th
birthday I planned on completing 40 community volunteer projects leading up to
my birthday in September. I haven’t been counting projects with my kids’ scout
troop or helping furnish a recently housed neighbor's place, because I don’t think
those should count. Regardless. I’m only at 12. And there are only 2 months
left. I'll keep going, but I won't make my goal. And I have no one to blame but me for setting the goal in the first place, and then not living up to it.
·
The No Thank You Project – To be fair this one
community action project hasn't been completely abandoned. Yet. But the trend suggests it’s just a matter of
time.
-->
I wanted to write this out not for self-validation (oh, but
Kelli you wrote that one thing that one time!) or for your-validation (though I hope maybe
this helps you shine a perspective of success on your own projects!). I’m
writing it out as personal therapy. This habit of starting projects, passionately, and
then abandoning them quietly is one that I’m sick of, frankly. I am always
willing to carve out time for a new interest, until that interest is
de-prioritized, or criticized, or unsupported, or I slice my finger and can’t
hold a fret for 6 months and so then I just give up on learning the guitar. I
will make the time for what excites me. And then I will focus on it like a 3 year old staring at an ant hill. And then something will interrupt my momentum and it will fizzle. The wind will fart out of my sails and I'll be stuck again, without navigation.
My urge to create
and to build and to grow is always there. Not to make money (though that would
be lovely). Not to be insta-famous (because that doesn't mean jack shit). But just to be a maker. A doer. And maybe to see a meaningful project actually
have social impact, instead of living inside a PowerPoint Presentation that I never show to
anyone. I’ve always been in the middle. Middle child. Middle of the class roll call. Middle talent. Middle effort. Middle results. Middle management. Perpetually hung up somewhere between the start and the finish.
I have some personal work to do in order to dismantle my trend of starting projects only to abandon them, a habit that leaves me floundering in a forever state of "not good enough". But I do know one thing. I may be mediocre in so many many MANY ways, but this life -- these people, these places, these kids, these kind hearts who love me despite my laundry list of shortcomings -- this sampler life of mine is definitely not mediocre. This life of mine is excellent.
Comments